one of these goals is to find greater contentment in my life, in the sense that i want to be happy and confident with who i am. i frequently find myself feeling as though i need to defend my choices, especially since we've moved down here. i shouldn't, because i really am very happy with my life. i love it. but sometimes i forget and let people make me feel like i'm less than i am for wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, for putting marriage and family before education and career, for having no idea what is going on in various popular TV shows (but checking the mail multiple times a day to see if the andy griffith show has come on netflix yet), or for not being the sort of mother that parenting magazine says i should be.
i turn 25 next week. it's strange. 25. twenty-five! i still feel like i'm seven. and yet, here i am, married, a mom, doing my own laundry, paying bills, and even wiping down baseboards by choice. no seven year-old does that. i'm not claiming to be a grown-up...i don't know that i ever will. but this has caused me to spend a lot of time thinking lately about my life, and how many reasons i have to thank my Father in Heaven for the blessings i have been given.
i want to try harder not to let people tell me who i am or what i am worth. i am who i am because i chose to be so. and i am happy with my choices. each phase of my life brought hard decisions. i don't know that i always made the best choices, but i know that i gave it my best. and i'm happy. i really am.
there were the years i spent at home, or my "kid" years. i suppose i could sub-categorize these years, but when i look back, the most important thing i learned from those years is this: i love my family. and they love me. i love that i come from a large family, and that they have become my dearest friends. i love our memories of camping, shark-fin hair, paper mill days, ms. navy, creepy crawlers, forts, dad playing guitar at night and mom helping us make bows and arrows out of sticks in the woods. i love our newer memories of watching "mom and dad" become "grandma and grandpa". we aren't perfect, but there is no where else i'd rather call home.
then come the pre-adult-post-kid years, or, in a word, college. college was, in the words of charles dickens, "the best of times, (and) it was the worst of times." making new friends. gaining new self-confidence. pursuing a field that i felt so passionate about. realizing that God's timing for things is different than my timing. chemistry. watching friends get married while others get hurt. facing depression. having my life change over and again as i met different patients and their families. learning the significance of knowing that your family will always be there. success and failure. love and disappointment. meeting jonathan.
which brings me to the next phase: life with jonathan.
i love life with jonathan. i love that i am married to my best friend. i love that he is someone who cherishes our relationship. i know that i am safe with jonathan - in every sense of the word. he is so good and kind to me. we dance in the kitchen and run errands together and laugh and cry together. because that's what you do when you're married to your best friend.
i love that we were married in a temple of our God; that we hold our relationship sacred enough to promise God and each other that we will care for and love each other. always. in this life and the next. and i can feel the power of those promises every day. and i'm so grateful for this.
then came motherhood. this is a continuation of the previous phase, but with a noticable addition.
those of you who have been following my blog for while know my experience with pregnancy. (those of you who don't, check out helpher.org. and donate some money, while you're there:) i loved the excitement of knowing this little guy was coming, but beyond that, those months were so hard. i generally make a point of it not to spend much time thinking about those days. seriously. they were really, really hard. but i learned so much from it. i learned lessons that i don't entirely know how to put into words yet, but that the Lord knew i needed to learn.
i learned an awful lot about sacrifice and humility and faith and love. i was in contact with women who had much more severe cases of HG than i did, who were on IV meds and hooked up to PICC lines, who were brought death's door so that they could bring a child into the world. and would do it again. i had always held motherhood as a sacred duty, but getting to know these courageous women brought a whole new meaning to the word mother.
there i was, thinking i was sacrificing so much, trying to follow what we felt God wanted us to do, and put off my education for a few years. then i met women who truly knew what it was to sacrifice. and for four months, i was getting my own little taste. it made me reevaluate my approach to motherhood. it's not just "the next step" in life after you get married. it's so much more.
dallin has brought so much happiness into our little home. jonathan and i have grown as we try our darndest to raise this little guy. yes, it's hard, but it is so much fun. i love his fat little legs and his double chin. i love his bright, cheery countenance. i love his toothy grin and his bath time splashes. i love his "fat-boy laugh" and his husky little voice. i love his perfect little hands and his expressive little face. i love the questioning smile he gives me when i repeat "ba-ba-ba" to him. i love that he loves head, shoulders, knees and toes. and yes, i love his head, shoulders, knees and toes. and everything in between.
and i love who i am when i am being a good mother. i love that he takes the focus of my thoughts off me. i've had 24 years to think about me. i'm sick of me.
i love that he makes me notice sounds and colors and shapes again. i love that we sing silly songs. i love that he reminds me of the miracle it is to be able to use your hands. i love that he helps me to feel of God's love for me.
tonight i got together with some friends, many of whom don't have any children. i sat there, trying to picture what life would be like without dallin. the mere thought alone quite literally took my breath away. it hurt to think about. yes, without dallin, i could go to a movie whenever i wanted. i probably wouldn't have those extra 15 pounds, and i could work and wear my beloved scrubs again. jonathan and i could go to dinner without spending 20 minutes packing a "survival kit" for dallin. but even just thinking about it now, i have a horrible knot in my stomach. i can't imagine life without our little boy.
dallin took his first step today. it was a tiny little movement, and he fell down right after. but he did it, all the same. right in front of mom and dad. jonathan had just come home from work, and he was walking towards his daddy. we clapped and made a big fuss over it, and he stared at us with a puzzled smile. watching this reminded me of a quote by c.s. lewis:
He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles.
i can't help but compare myself to dallin. i make little steps of progress, and fall over. even when i do what's right, often i'm confused as to why it was right. at times i reach out for a hand and find it drawn back. that disappointment is tempered with the realization that God has given me strength to learn to take steps on my own. i still stumble, but i know i am headed in the right direction.
now i just have to remember what i already know.
***i generally don't carry on about marriage and motherhood too much, because i have many friends who haven't yet married, or who have been unable to have children so far, etc. please know that i am sensitive to that. by no means do i want to add insult to injury.
