i just felt like writing a lot tonight

jonathan and i set a goal to set goals. nice, eh? we have our weekly goals that we review, but i've been spending some time thinking of things i need to improve on long-term.

one of these goals is to find greater contentment in my life, in the sense that i want to be happy and confident with who i am. i frequently find myself feeling as though i need to defend my choices, especially since we've moved down here. i shouldn't, because i really am very happy with my life. i love it. but sometimes i forget and let people make me feel like i'm less than i am for wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, for putting marriage and family before education and career, for having no idea what is going on in various popular TV shows (but checking the mail multiple times a day to see if the andy griffith show has come on netflix yet), or for not being the sort of mother that parenting magazine says i should be.

i turn 25 next week. it's strange. 25. twenty-five! i still feel like i'm seven. and yet, here i am, married, a mom, doing my own laundry, paying bills, and even wiping down baseboards by choice. no seven year-old does that. i'm not claiming to be a grown-up...i don't know that i ever will. but this has caused me to spend a lot of time thinking lately about my life, and how many reasons i have to thank my Father in Heaven for the blessings i have been given.

i want to try harder not to let people tell me who i am or what i am worth. i am who i am because i chose to be so. and i am happy with my choices. each phase of my life brought hard decisions. i don't know that i always made the best choices, but i know that i gave it my best. and i'm happy. i really am.

there were the years i spent at home, or my "kid" years. i suppose i could sub-categorize these years, but when i look back, the most important thing i learned from those years is this: i love my family. and they love me. i love that i come from a large family, and that they have become my dearest friends. i love our memories of camping, shark-fin hair, paper mill days, ms. navy, creepy crawlers, forts, dad playing guitar at night and mom helping us make bows and arrows out of sticks in the woods. i love our newer memories of watching "mom and dad" become "grandma and grandpa". we aren't perfect, but there is no where else i'd rather call home.

then come the pre-adult-post-kid years, or, in a word, college. college was, in the words of charles dickens, "the best of times, (and) it was the worst of times." making new friends. gaining new self-confidence. pursuing a field that i felt so passionate about. realizing that God's timing for things is different than my timing. chemistry. watching friends get married while others get hurt. facing depression. having my life change over and again as i met different patients and their families. learning the significance of knowing that your family will always be there. success and failure. love and disappointment. meeting jonathan.

which brings me to the next phase: life with jonathan.

i love life with jonathan. i love that i am married to my best friend. i love that he is someone who cherishes our relationship. i know that i am safe with jonathan - in every sense of the word. he is so good and kind to me. we dance in the kitchen and run errands together and laugh and cry together. because that's what you do when you're married to your best friend.

i love that we were married in a temple of our God; that we hold our relationship sacred enough to promise God and each other that we will care for and love each other. always. in this life and the next. and i can feel the power of those promises every day. and i'm so grateful for this.

then came motherhood. this is a continuation of the previous phase, but with a noticable addition.

those of you who have been following my blog for while know my experience with pregnancy. (those of you who don't, check out helpher.org. and donate some money, while you're there:) i loved the excitement of knowing this little guy was coming, but beyond that, those months were so hard. i generally make a point of it not to spend much time thinking about those days. seriously. they were really, really hard. but i learned so much from it. i learned lessons that i don't entirely know how to put into words yet, but that the Lord knew i needed to learn.

i learned an awful lot about sacrifice and humility and faith and love. i was in contact with women who had much more severe cases of HG than i did, who were on IV meds and hooked up to PICC lines, who were brought death's door so that they could bring a child into the world. and would do it again. i had always held motherhood as a sacred duty, but getting to know these courageous women brought a whole new meaning to the word mother.

there i was, thinking i was sacrificing so much, trying to follow what we felt God wanted us to do, and put off my education for a few years. then i met women who truly knew what it was to sacrifice. and for four months, i was getting my own little taste. it made me reevaluate my approach to motherhood. it's not just "the next step" in life after you get married. it's so much more.


dallin has brought so much happiness into our little home. jonathan and i have grown as we try our darndest to raise this little guy. yes, it's hard, but it is so much fun. i love his fat little legs and his double chin. i love his bright, cheery countenance. i love his toothy grin and his bath time splashes. i love his "fat-boy laugh" and his husky little voice. i love his perfect little hands and his expressive little face. i love the questioning smile he gives me when i repeat "ba-ba-ba" to him. i love that he loves head, shoulders, knees and toes. and yes, i love his head, shoulders, knees and toes. and everything in between.


and i love who i am when i am being a good mother. i love that he takes the focus of my thoughts off me. i've had 24 years to think about me. i'm sick of me.

i love that he makes me notice sounds and colors and shapes again. i love that we sing silly songs. i love that he reminds me of the miracle it is to be able to use your hands. i love that he helps me to feel of God's love for me.

tonight i got together with some friends, many of whom don't have any children. i sat there, trying to picture what life would be like without dallin. the mere thought alone quite literally took my breath away. it hurt to think about. yes, without dallin, i could go to a movie whenever i wanted. i probably wouldn't have those extra 15 pounds, and i could work and wear my beloved scrubs again. jonathan and i could go to dinner without spending 20 minutes packing a "survival kit" for dallin. but even just thinking about it now, i have a horrible knot in my stomach. i can't imagine life without our little boy.

dallin took his first step today. it was a tiny little movement, and he fell down right after. but he did it, all the same. right in front of mom and dad. jonathan had just come home from work, and he was walking towards his daddy. we clapped and made a big fuss over it, and he stared at us with a puzzled smile. watching this reminded me of a quote by c.s. lewis:


He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles.


i can't help but compare myself to dallin. i make little steps of progress, and fall over. even when i do what's right, often i'm confused as to why it was right. at times i reach out for a hand and find it drawn back. that disappointment is tempered with the realization that God has given me strength to learn to take steps on my own. i still stumble, but i know i am headed in the right direction.

now i just have to remember what i already know.





***i generally don't carry on about marriage and motherhood too much, because i have many friends who haven't yet married, or who have been unable to have children so far, etc. please know that i am sensitive to that. by no means do i want to add insult to injury.

vol. 2 (pictures!)

preparatory bath before gammie and unks come. gotta get all the lint out of those rolls!

("unks" = uncle ian)



christmas morning. yeah. totally into it.

okay, not so much.


it's a ball!!!

aaand he's looking the other way.


...eating the wrapping paper....


...still eating the wrapping paper...
(and mom getting really excited about dressing her little boy in flannel...thanks grandma and grandpa miller!)


...dad had to take the wrapping paper away...


...success! finally a present worth getting excited over!

(we may or may not have cheated. jonathan showed him this present before we wrapped it, so when dallin opened it, he knew exactly what to do:)


he's a maniac.

he just goes! and when he runs into a wall or other obstacle, he just stands there, ramming the toy into it until someone comes to help.


thanks, kid to kid, for being such a GREAT consignment store! so many treasures for so cheap!


i pulled off my first traditional miller christmas breakfast.

i was pretty proud of myself.


the crew.


apparently we wore this kid out.


the maniac with gammie. oh, how he loves his gammie.


okay. so. dallin loves carrying things in his mouth like a dog. he thinks it's hilarious. he laughs and laughs about it. his favorite item to carry: socks. you can have a room full of toys, and he will spot the sock, jet over to it, shove it in his mouth, and crawl around like a happy drunk. in this particular shot, he wouldn't take the sock out, even for bath time.


to fully appreciate this picture, you probably need to click on it so it's big enough. this (apart from the christmas wreath decorated with empty miller-lite cans and cigarette cartons hanging on the front of a truck) was one of my favorite things i saw during the christmas season. on the right, we have a house that is decked out. i think i only have half of the yard in the picture. we're talking the manger scene, mickey mouse & co., deer, season's greetings signs that light up and blink, snowmen, santa - the whole shebang.

and then on our left, we have the neighbors across the street who get to look at this every christmas.

and their tasteful little sign: DITTO -->


dallin received his first tie. he looks quite dapper, i do believe.
(thank you, seguines!)


we also finally made it down to lake amistad. we had a chilly, windy picnic on the lake. unks impressed us with his mad rock skipping skills, and we focused on not blowing away.


yay for above-freezing temperatures!!! gotta love texas:)


you can't tell, but dallin was SO excited to be playing in the rocks. he just sat there doing his fat-boy laugh. it cracked me up.


here we have uncle "in" (aka "unks"), dalpal and me at a fabulous tex-mex restaurant liz took us to in san antonio.


fat face. love it.


yes, that's a piece of cardboard in his mouth. yes, he crawled all over the house with that in his mouth, laughing. and yes, his shirt is completely soaked with water. why do you ask?

and there you have it:

the forsyth christmas vacation.

catching up, vol. 1

i can't sleep, but jonathan and dallin are out. i can't think of a better time to blog.

i suppose i'll pick up where i left off: the skunk. it stayed in that cage for two weeks. no one came to get it...it just sat there. and apparently they have little paws that can reach through the bars, because that thing sure dug a hole around the cage. but in any case, the skunk is gone now, and you can't smell it at all in our house.

partly because you smell dog. well, we're all friends, so let's be graphic, shall we? you are smacked in the face by the smell of dog pee. about the same time the skunk smell totally disappeared, bailey peed on the carpet. by the front door. a day-and-a-half before my mother-in-law came for christmas. this was the first time that she has come and i am not puking my guts out, or recovering from surgery. so i was kind of looking forward to the idea of actually appearing somewhat functional.

since the last remedy i had found for animal-induced stenches had worked for me, i turned back to the internet for help on this one. because if it's online, it must work, right? al gore wouldn't have created it if it was just a place for people to write stuff...

i found a solution that fit my criteria, meaning that i had the stuff already at home: vinegar and water. here's how it works: you mix a gallon of water with a gallon of vinegar. dump them on the carpet, so that it soaks into the pad under the carpet. let it sit 30 minutes, and then using a carpet cleaner, you suck it all up. spread baking soda on it afterward, and vacuum. done and done.

i went to true value to rent a carpet cleaner. i told the man, "my dog peed on the carpet, and my mother-in-law comes tomorrow."

he laughed at me.

i then watched two large male employees carry it out to the truck for me, tie it down, and thanked them for their help. i confidently drove home and single-handedly unloaded it from the bed.

i don't even work out.

i dumped the vinegar-water on the floor, waited, and sucked up the water (smiling to myself as i thought about my job as a carpet cleaner at BYU). i sprinkled the baking soda, and vacuumed.

it still smelled pretty strongly of vinegar. and pee.

i rinsed it with more water. and some carpet cleaning soap, just for good measure.

i lathered, rinsed, and repeated. i sprayed febreeze. i did a rain dance. and i thought it was a little bit better.

but as we left the next morning, i realized that the first thing you notice in our house would be the stinging in your nostrils from the vinegar, accompanied by the stomachache caused by the smell of bailey's, uh, residuals.

the good news is, now, almost two weeks later, the smell is fading. and what's even better, jonathan's mom and brother are wonderful. and they never said a word. thanks, liz and ian! i appreciate that more than you'll ever know!

apart from that "minor" detail, christmas was wonderful. it was my first christmas away from my family, so it was really nice to have liz and ian around to help fill the void. we left christmas eve day to go pick them up from the airport...no small feat since san antonio is three hours from home! but seven hours later, we were back home (smelling vinegar...sheesh). the base was super quiet the whole break; almost no cars, no airplanes, no afterburners, nothing. this made for a way-relaxing break.

we bummed around the house, "toured" del rio's main street, took walks, tried new restaurants (by the way, rudy's in SA does not serve breakfast, so if you have a gift card you wanted to use, plan accordingly.), ate, and played with dalpal. liz made sure dishes were always done, bless her heart. i sure didn't make it easy on her though...i had a blast in the kitchen, making huge messes, cooking my favorite foods. and often before i even realized it, she was in there cleaning. so, so nice. i still feel a bit guilty for making such a wreck in there every day. but thanks, liz!

to be continued...

the happy little elf

i've known i needed to update the blog, but it wasn't until today that i realized just how much a new post is needed. i was reading a friend's blog and noticed that all of the current blog titles on the friends/family list on the side said things like, merry christmas!!!, our favorite things, love, goals or other titles that make you feel all warm inside.

mine still said, "revenge."

yep, it's time for a new post.

i don't have time at the moment to give a full update. dallin has been awake in his crib for a half hour. i don't know how much longer i have before the storm hits and he decides it's been long enough. my hair looks more like a rats nest than anyone's hair did on designing women, and my dog needs food. we are feeding the missionaries tonight, and i have no idea what to feed them. and so the pictures of christmas magic will have to wait a little bit longer. but we had a wonderful christmas, and you will hear about it.

but for the time being, our current title is no longer revenge. and that is enough.

revenge...

...feels good.

(there's a skunk in there...)

***PETA activists: please do not be concerned for the welfare of this skunk. it will be released on the other side of base...and will probably find its way back to its home. but for a few days, this guy will not give us any trouble. and that's just going to have to be good enough for me.

i think i'll move to australia

over the past few weeks, i've had some lovely ideas on what to blog about next. i was going to be down to earth, yet clever. perhaps even humorous at times. and then i was going to end it with some inspirational message that would change the world. or something.

but tonight, i'm tired, and i don't feel well. i'm laying on the couch with a box of kleenex and a bag full of ricola cough drops, and warm fuzzies are out. alexander, you know the kind of day i've had.

today has not been my day. before i get going, let it be known that we have a dog. bailey. she's a super sweet chocolate lab. i really do like her an awful lot, and jonathan rocks my socks for agreeing to get a dog. we got her about two weeks ago from a family in san antonio who just didn't have room for her. i've been super duper busy with a two week nannying job, but now that's over with and i can do things like blog about how we have a dog...who got sprayed by a skunk at 6:45 this morning before i even got out of bed. not exactly an A+ way to start the day.

jonathan had let bailey out to go take care of business, and it had only been a few minutes when i heard two barks, followed by the stench of skunk. apparently she was sprayed near the AC unit because within seconds our house had that lovely odor.

and sooo i've spent the day researching methods of getting rid of skunk smell. for the house, it was recommended that i open windows (check), light candles (check), and brew some coffee (whaaat?). so i tried it. i went out and bought my first bit of coffee. which i proceeded to burn. so then our house smelled like skunk, about seven different scented candles, and burnt coffee. oh, and dirty diaper. so i gave up, changed a diaper, and moved on to the dog.

i found several recommendations online that people SWORE would solve my problem. however, it must be remembered that we live in del rio. resources are extremely limited here. so the odds of finding, well, anything if walmart doesn't have it are minimal. so i tried the homemade remedy many people suggested: 1 quart of peroxide, 1 tbsp dish soap, and 1/4 c baking soda. it can be used everywhere except on the face and ears. so i went and bought three quarts of peroxide. and i gave my dog three baths today. here are some things i learned:

1 - your dog will still stink after three baths.

2 - when you buy rubber gloves to use, for pete's sake, use them! don't let them be one of the things that escape your mind, because peroxide+baking soda on hands that are already dry and cracked could really, really burn.

3 - get a babysitter for your son. otherwise, he will just sit in the living room, crying, until you are done. and by done, i mean you have safely gotten the dog from the bathroom to the back yard, but you are still covered in dog+skunk+soap+etc.

4 - make sure that your dog gets skunked on a day when you and your family are all feeling your best. otherwise, you won't be able to drop your son off somewhere due to the incredible amount of snot dripping from his nose, your senses will come and go and you will not always be able to smell properly (a blessing, until you realize you have let your dog roam the house for the past hour while she still stinks...cue the burnt coffee, please), and your husband will come home from class sick and tired, and unable to do anything but study, take some cold medicine, and go to bed.

next time, i'll just let her do her business inside. it would be SO much faster to clean up.

anyway, i have some pictures that i was going to blog about, but i just am not feeling so hot right now. besides, that would be a super long blog, and this is long enough as it is. so i'm going to post them, and if you have questions/concerns/comments, let me know. (and there's lots of pictures of bailey for you, eric!) in a nutshell, here's what's been going on:

we had a branch christmas breakfast, where dallin met santa. later that night, we had a squadron christmas dinner (which was surprisingly fun!). dallin can currently stand without holding on to anything for about 30 seconds (possibly longer, but i usually knock him down by then because i don't want to even think about him walking right now). he also has five teeth, with the sixth on its way. and last, i was called as first councilor in the relief society presidency (the women's organization in our church), and wow. it was either inspiration or insanity to call me...we'll see how this goes!

rolls

go ahead.

eat three pieces of pecan pie.


and top it with extra whipped cream.



because rolls can be beautiful.


happy thanksgiving!